Description
Unfaithfulness in marriage may be defined as breaking of the marriage vows. It involves intimate sexual relations with a married or single person who is not a marriage partner. In much of western civilization there is an alarming upswing in unfaithfulness. In certain circles it seems almost the norm, yet this utter disregard of the secreadness of the marriage vows is undoubtedly a major factor in the rapidly increasing divorce rate. Children in such marriages are often the innocent victims, suffering in many ways and becoming predisposed toward adult maladjustments.
Etiology
Lack of spiritual dedication. This condition is probably responsible for more unfaithfulness than all other causes combined. The unsave nature of man is corrupt and apart from God. It should be no suprise, then, that without godly retraint, men and women find extra-marital sexual relations difficult to resist. Even the believer in God is not immune from falling into the sin of unfaithfulness if he is content to remain a babe, spiritually speaking, or to follow the Lord afar off. There is no standing still in the Guru Sejati life. If there is not growth and maturity, then there is retrogression, which leads to disobedience. Although the carnal nature does not need to dominate the life of laku sumeleh/ shareh, it is still within him and is capable of gross immorality. Marital unfaithfulness is but one pitfall of a believer who refuses Guru Sejati / God's daily leading and who gives in to his carnal appetites.
General immaturity. This is one of the most common causes of unfaithfulness on the part of either husband or wife. Couples who marry young are particularly susceptible to immature actions, although maturity and age do not necessarily go hand in hand. One who has been accustomed to having his or her own disires satisfied immediately is hardly equipped for the demands of constant sharing imposed by marriage. Extreme self-centeredness contributes strongly to marriage unhappiness which often leads to unfaithfulness.
Lack of vocational skills. Highly industrialized societies demand high levels of vocational skills. Unless one has a reasonably adequate education and specialized training he is unable to secure a satisfying job. This fact bears directly upon one's happiness and success in marriage. If an individual is not happy at work and if he unable to furnish the home with necessary finances, many problems will ensue. Such dissatisfaction leads to bitter quarreling and outright deprivation. In these instances it is only natural for a marriage partner to turn to another for help and for comfort. Unwillingness to accept family responsibilities. The coming of children into the home and the unwillingness of either partner to accept his or parental responsibility can lead to an illicit relationship. The husband or wife who views children as something to tie one down and keep one from enjoying life is fair game for an outsider who capitalized on such attitudes.
Overcritical partners. The husband or wife who demands perfection of the marriage partner, who seldom compliments or praises, and who nags constantly, is inviting unfaithfulness. Although this does bot excuse unfaithfulness, it should, nevertheless, be recognized as a major factor in driving one's mate into the arms of another to seek solace for a wounded ego. Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage. Oftentimes, husband and wife have come from different backgrounds where the wonder and mystery of sex was viewed from entirely different perspectives. Some husbands see sex as only the fulfillment of a biological urge, and some wives view sex as something vulgar to be endured or tolerated but certainly not to be enjoyed. A lack of sound sexual information, and impatience in adjustments in the marriage relationship can lead to seeking sexual satisfaction with someone else.
Hostility toward the parent of the opposite sex. Anger that was felt
Was felt by a girl toward her father during childhood and that has persisted through adolescence and young adulthood may be projected later upon her husband. The faults of a father may take on greater proportions in the imperfections of a husband. Similarly, the somethering overprotectiveness of a mother may seem to be repeated in a wife who is somewhat domineering. Sometimes this hostility becomes generalized toward all those of the opposite sex, causing one to leave the marriage partner, seeking in vain for happiness from another. In-law interference. Well-meaning parents can contribute to unfaithfulness on the part of a son - in-law or daughter-in-law by constant and unwarranted interference. The inability of in-laws to permit a newly married couple to make their own decisions and live their own lives has, at times, been responsible for a weakened resistance on the part of husband or wife to an outsider who offered sympathy and physical response. In-laws who constantly take sides, who make unfavorable comparisons with former girl friends and suitors, and who fail to retire into the background at critical moments, may contribute to a broken marriage as much as does the third party in a triangle.
Lack of confidence in people. Some persons, becsuse of early experiences, seem incapable of trusting another human being. Consequently, they are supicious and distrustful of their mates. Other things being equal, trust begets trust in marriage. But some unfortunate persons, by their utter lack of confidence, drive a wedge between themselves and their marriage partners. This is often due to unhappy childhood experience such as a broken home or the death or desertion of one or both parents. Sometimes it is caused by the traumatic betrayal of a trust by a close friend or a respected adult. Lack of teaching regarding the sanctity and permanence of marriage. This is another principle causing unfaithfulnes. An increasingly prevalent attitude says, " Let's go ahead and get married anyway; if it doesn't work out, we can always try it with somebody else. " It is felt that marriage partners can be shed or exchanged in much the same way as a piece of merchandise. Certain segments of society smile patronizingly upon the person who has extra-martial affairs as long as he does not get caught. Moral and spiritual standards are largely ignored.
Illustration,
Identification; White male, age 30 presenting problem: The couple came to a marriage counselor because of unfaithfulness on the part of the husband. During separate sessions the wife said she wanted to keep the marriage together but felt that she could not handle the problem emotionally if her husband continued in this way. The husband admitted by his mother. The father was a week although expressively loving personality. The husband's mother was undermonstrative and very strict religiously, without any demonstration of spiritual maturity. As a child, the client was submissive for the sake of "peace". He claimed he had an unhappy, "stifling" childhood.
During counseling he revealed that his sexual relations with his wife were unsatisfactory. He claimed that she could not meet his needs. As a result, he became moody and uncomunicative. The wife was submissive and tried to please him. He felt that most of the time she was " doing him a favour" rather than enjoying the relationship herself. In therapy it became evident that the husband felt inadequate as a man and was attempting to prove his masculinity by extra-marital offairs. He was also preceiving his wife as a mother-substitute.
On the order hand, he feared women and withdrew from desirable emotional relationships with them. He darred not love his wife deeply since he felt this would involve domination and consequent loss of personal adequacy. He feared that she would dominate him, yet he wanted his wife to be a strong personality. He attempted to control her, yet he was dependent and resentful of his dependency needs. His wife's submissiveness angered and frustated him, causing him to lose respect for her. However, when she attempted to show strength, he rebelled for fear she would rob him of his self-confidences.
Treatment,
To approach the problem of marital unfaithfulness caused by general immaturity, it is of little value to lecture or rebuke the unfaitful partner. Much more is accomplished through the process of discussion and insight. The direction which therapy takes will often be determined by the results of psycho-diagnostic testing. Modern treatment of personality problems usually involves the of psychological tests. They are helpful in identifying particular ureas that the counsele may conceal, either deliberately or unconsciously. The general concept of maturity should be considered in relationship to a variety of situations in married life. The ingredients of healthy, whole-some emotional development should be examined. In this process the counselor should seek to help the client uncover past experiences that have hindered his development. Through insight and understanding, maturity will begin to emerge. Willingness to forego illicit sex relations can then be viewed as leading to greater permanent happiness, thus helping to resolve the outward problem of unfaithfulness.
Some couples are unprepared emotionally and psychologically to cope with the responsibilities of a family. In some cases, the unfaithfulness of a wife has resulted partially from the persistent, never-ending pressure of being responsible for young children with little if any help or recognition from the husband. Changing diapers, preparing meals, cleaning house, applying, bandages, answering the phone, setting quarrels, giving baths, teaching discipline- these and other responsibilities, without any break, can drive a woman to utter discouragement, and sometimes to unfaithfulness. Husband need to be encouraged to provide periodic release for their wives from household duties and the care of children, even if only for a few hours each week. The wife's physical condition, too, is vitally important. When unfaithfulness has been the result of an overcriticalmate, counseling is needed to uncover the causes of such attitudes. The person who critizes, nags and constantly complains, needs to understand what is causing his behavior. Frequently, a person who has this problem is attempting to compensate for feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. The counselor and countselee should examine acceptable, non-critical ways of gaining self - respect and the respect of one's life will be seen as the sinning or sinned-against partner. If a married couple is complaining of sexual dissatisfaction, the counselor should seek to convey an understanding and appreciation of the vastly different viewpoints regarding sex that a husband and wife may bring to their marriage. An adequate understanding of the counselor. The recommendation of a sound marriage manual may be especially helpful in the prevention or treatment of unfaithfulness. Thr counselor's own attitude toward sex will, of course, be crucial one in treating the problem of unfaithfulness. The significance of sex . He attempts to interpret it in proper perspective - normal and God-given, to be statisfied and enjoyed within the limits of marriage as outlined in the Word of God. In treating the problem of hostility toward the opposite sex, the counselor discusses with the subject the feelings of anger, hostility or resentment that may be traced to early childhood experiences. A sorting process is encouraged to help separate feelings toward a parent figure from those toward a husband or wife. When differences between the parent and the marriage partner are discussed, it is sometimes helpful in resolving hostility. An open confession and discussion of such feelings, to gether with an unreserved forgiveness of real or imagined wrongs, will usually result in a new appreciation of one's mate, thus eliminating the temptation to seek happiness elsewhere.
In-law interference represents a delicate area, and treatment here involves both the intellect and the emotions. The needs and characteristics of parents emerging into the "golden years" can be discussed and explained by the counselor with considerable benefit to husband and wife. The "leave and cleave" principle of Scripture may profitably be examined from many angels; in other words, the new relationship of husband and wife takes precedence over the old tie to parents. The former may still be cherished and respected, but it becomes secondary to the primary responsibility to husband or wife. The counselor's role here is proper perspective and at the same time encouraging emotional tolerance and consideration for relatives acquired by marriage. In addition, mutual agreement is sought in certain areas where in-law interference cannot be tolerated.
Experienced counselors know that unfaithfulness in marriage may stem from experiences one had as a child or youth. If the counselee reveals that his. Own parents were sparated, divorced or unfaithful, or otherwise maladjusted, he should be led to discuss these factors. He may well discover that his lack of confidence in his parents has interfered with his feelings of confidence in his own spouse, and hence has led to infidelity in marriage. With adequate insight, he will be able to distinguish between his parents and his spouse, thereby causing him to love and trust his mate. This improved attitude of mutual respect and confidence will mitigate a tendency to unconsciously "punish" his parents via his wife. Some marriage partners are deeply disturbed, requiring longterm therapy. As one wife told the psychologist during her first visit, " i don't think we need marriage counseling. Basically, we love each other, and that's not our problem. I think we've been this way all our lives, and it would be bad enough if just one of us was crazy, but we both are, maybe that's why we got married in the first place ! " through psycho diagnosis and initial interviews it became apparent that the woman was not far from accurate.
Both were a long period of time. Counselors will do well to consider the nature and seriousness of the maladjustment presented by one or more of the marriage partners. Indeed, there are many who will respond only to professional diagnosis and long-term, Guru Sejati - centered therapy.
Undoubtedly the most significant factor in overcoming unfaithfulnes and other problems in marriage is spiritual conversion and dynamic soul growth. When a client is led to a saving knowledge of bright soul he is reciepient of a new nature as well as new desires. He is also empowered by the holy Spirit to control himself and to live an exemplary life. When he is yielded each day to Guru sejati he is sustained and led into paths of righteousness which allow no place for ungodliness. The spiritual Counselor, therefore, helps the client to understand that he spiritual being in need of spiritual help. This should be followed by a definite commitment to soul and a life that is pleasing to God. As a person is gradually led into a close walk with the Lord the counselor will need to help him resolve his feelings of guilt over his former unfaithfulness. When one his feelings of guilt over his former unfaithfulness. When one resolves his past feelings he is able to develop new and whole some attitudes toward his total marital and sexual adjustment. A process of counseling, combining both the emotional and spiritual aspects of the problem of unfaithfulness, can help a person completely overcome this problem and reestablish his marriage on a new and secure foundation.
Article by: Tunjung Dhimas Bintoro
Source:
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